cookie fortune

those pretty eyes of yours never miss anything
you look around and flutter those eyelashes
things come to you and if they don't
you sit and wait and you are wasting

you just flutter
and unlike the brave little caterpillar
no one will ever see you fly out
what happened to all those colors
that will never feel the sun or
the top of all those trees

Ahhh, yes.

Un bon jour

dolly girl

you better run, little girl
use those sexy legs for
something other than
your own destruction
let them carry you
away from this
your very own
personal sabotage
they lied to you
pretty, pretty
because nothing
is easy especially
when you look
like a doll and
act like one,
too
not even the dogs
will come when
you call and
no one would ever
get grass stains
for you

screams are silenced
by the echo of
no one cares, really
so brush it off and
keep trying to
lure them in with
your tacky lip gloss
and that makeup
that runs and it
stains their pillowcases
you know you leave
your mark and
they kiss their wives
with the mouths
that went to
your fountain of youth
oh you poor, poor
lovely damaged creature
they lied to you
and you hoped
that maybe this
would only last
until the sunrise
but no, it's here
dancing with dawn

what bruises that
porcelain skin? and those
big, empty brown eyes?
searching, never finding
crying but no one
hears

A good day.

The holidays have returned
& you have to get crafty without a car :]

A study of sorts.

There are moments in life when I have looked around, and there always seemed to be someone next to me. And then ahead and behind, I could see people standing as well. As time passes and I grow, these persons seem to become smaller. The center of human reality, the ego, is always present. And when one of those rare, yet staggering, moments of weakness crept in, I looked around and hoped to find a body that could hold me up. The real test, I have discovered, is when there is nothing but too much empty space. Looking around is fruitless because the only one who can push me forward is myself and then I must rely only on inner strength and any sense of ferocity that once was.

Truly being alone is the most strengthening experience, in the metaphysical sense, that one can endure. Complete loneliness can be absolutely uncomfortable, because in this state everything is illuminated and this stark light is not always flattering. Without the luxury of company and the crutch of stale conversation, you are forced to hear buried thoughts and confront the unfortunate aspects of current existence. There are several stages that must be exhausted in order to reach the true height of self-realization. The first step is the hardest, and the longest. This first step, a sort of depression, is the most critical and also the one that will yield the strength that is necessary during this journey.

The depression can vary in degree and length of time. It stems from a great feeling of inadequacy and the complete dissipation of the blissful sense of wellbeing that comes from ignorance. The key is staying afloat during this period and keeping the eyes open to begin to absorb some of the discovery that will begin to unfold. Several aspects of this discovery may cause grief, but others will bring a true sense of gratitude. Soon, the conscience will begin to separate the good from the bad. At this juncture, the depression will cease and the self will begin to strengthen.

The “bad” list will be analyzed but from a sort of objective distance, and one by one these situations will be re-assessed or erased altogether. The “good” list in the conscience will be the strongest and will also become the center of a newfound reality. This center will begin to govern the decisions the subconscious makes. Several of these items will become more profound and all of one’s devotion will be invested in the parts of biggest importance. There are three keys aspects at the top of the list: The Self, The Endeavors of the Self, and Family/True Friendships.

Even when self-realization has been met, it is not static. The three main categories of existence will be constantly changing and evolving. The constant growth of such things is the only way that they will flourish and make at least the smallest of positive contributions to our human progress. Above all, the self will gain the most valuable and altering of all realizations: Each and every sentient being exists in a selfish and private universe. We must rely on ourselves and stand firmly on our own perseverance in order to truly be and not only breathe for the sake of doing so. Those who are lucky enough to achieve this are the most misunderstood, the most questioned, the most free.

Nuclear

because it comes so suddenly
like a violent bomb, dropping
on all certainty and contentment
destroying the faint thread that
holds together any diluted form
of what could pass as happiness
(if one believes in such a thing)
but this distaster crept up in
a way that forces an acute
and painfully clear perspective of
every other facet of the daily routine
cement rocks are building and
any soft spots are crushed, or
buried underneath the heavy
shock of such a fatal imperfection
in the petty way that things come
and then disappear-
the sky becomes dark and the sadness
is loud, it rings in my ears and
so i cannot ignore it and as
i lay amongst the rubble, in pieces
desperately trying to grip
with weak arms anything
that even vaguely resembles
peace before war,
life within this death.

The fragility of life and the permanence of death are the most perverse actions toward the entire concept of human emotion.

I am going to lose one of the sweetest parts of my life today.

29

as the bus, noisily, ambles on
i contemplate purpose, victory
and together we go
greedy and prepared to discover
a new corner on this
perfectly round world
its immensity, rough
music blasts and my mind
it floats- high, high, high
the air is sweet and green
so crisp it burns my nose
our smiles, big and crooked
displayed under double pairs
of eager, squinty eyes
four small windows
senses filtered and elevated
where do we go from here
my sweet boy?
who needs a tomorrow
when one discovers everything

A true victory

We fucking did it.

Well, Obama did. He was able to charm the American people long enough to give him a chance, overcome adversity and skepticism, and rise above the CRAP and fabrications McCain's campaign dealt him. Barack Obama has become quite a celebrity, an icon with more substance than any John F. Kennedy. But, to me this victory transcends a political party, or the man that Obama appears to be. This is a true sign of progress, a significant step toward the reshaping of this country, and a very strong message to the rest of the world that not all of America is full of narrow-minded fucktards and creationists. After the Bush administration's total destruction of the patriotism and financial stability of this country, we need a person that will really step up to the plate and show us the money.
I am very stoked, and for the first time since I became a sentient being, I am fucking proud to be American, regardless of my usual dissent or multi-cultural upbringing. Now, we must hope that Barack Obama follows through, and puts his constant promise of CHANGE into action. He needs to show us he is not just a good public speaker, a crowd pleaser. Though I trust in his apparent intelligence and competence, I do not agree with every word that comes out of his perfect mouth. Always a cynic, I do not believe he is The Anointed One. His economic strategy needs some tweaking and he needs to let his claws show from time to time. The next President knew he would be walking into a colossal mess, and our expectations must be realistic. A radical change will not come about overnight, but now can finally begin to move forward.

In the meantime, we do not want a war in Afghanistan. Oh, and I would like to be able to take out a college loan next semester.

Antoine de Saint Exupéry

you cover me
in gentle expressions
and subtle verse
you pick me up
just enough
with beautiful words
and the simplest
of all illusions
sometimes i go away
just to see you again
and i sit in the corner
there i find you
all is muted
but you are bright
so bright and so
you cover me
nothing is more
beautiful than
what you created in
an ugly world such
as this one
such a big spot
that forgets

fête

there is little better than opening
a book, words that jump out at me
and bring me in for a while
to their pages and within them i find
the answers that satiate
most of my confusion
about everything, really-
everything is a question
and if the book happens to be
of many years past that is quite
more powerful because the
smell and the yellowing edges
tell their own story of what
began long ago and has not
found an end because this
is more than just a moment
no, it is far more than that
it is many moments trapped
between two covers and sealed
so delicately and decorated with
words that move without shifting
and explore without leaving the
warmth of this bed and the sound
of the drops is a constant symphony
perfectly orchestrated for this party

a celebration
of this book and of me
the words, the pages
rain

my muse

I feel you completely,
based soley on those moments
composed of nothing
but our ability to be
Just be, lacking nothing
except for hidden ideas or
separate expectations
I could yell it off the top of the
highest building of that skyline
we both love
I can, but I won't
because I like keeping it
like a neat little package,
wrapped in pretty paper
but I know what it is
and no one else has to know
about this little thing
that we have.

headphones and a bus ticket

maybe if my hair would suddenly become longer
and i stopped daydreaming just for a while
everything would truly makes sense and i would know
that there really isn't more than this
just years of following the lead and
going through these steps in correct order
i need to remember that daisies stay closed sometimes
even when the sun is out and kissing the petals
most things lose their depth when you see them
as they are without all the extra coloring
there is no artist that didn't die
nothing is abstract unless studied from far away
distance providing the illusion that something
substantial is waiting for me if i just keep filling
my mind with these beautiful melodies and words that
fit and when put together help me understand everything
i am sure one of these mornings i will pop out of bed
and be just as transparent as the rest
hoping for the simple things that come easy

Sometimes, you really need to just go with the flow.

A lesson in failing.

don't let the feeling fool you
it is not much more than
another one of those fleeting moments
that drown you momentarily and make you
forget that you are made of steel
and will not be easily swept
into the current of endings
because you are not even close
to the start of all that is planned
it usually takes a great deal of
gut and just a few mistakes
before you are struck with the realization
that you have absolutely no idea
what is in store for you

it is fruitless to be so arrogant
and believe that you can control
what happens a little bit later
just be sure to make careful calculations
make your mind crush that silly conscience
and always be ready for all that is
impossible to predict
firmly keep your place and never
confuse comfort and security
for truth and substance

find no surprises, always trust preparation
they lied when they told us
that things come neatly and ready to go
we must work harder than the rest
because we are the lucky ones
we see order in a picasso
and the current status of humanity
in the inebriated prose of bukowski
keep this near, as armor
who you are can never be replaced
for what you wanted


For KEA

Stop and go.

sometimes the better things get buried
and are forgotten
beneath the layers of routine and disappointment
and caught inside of
what is wanted and what
needs to be done
the simple pleasures are really just that
small, sweet, brief
joy is usually the wallflower
she waits, patient and quiet
in hopes that one will stop
and slow done long enough
take a look around
in order to fully understand
that not everything
is about moving forward
most things will quickly pass
and never make their way
back to right now

there is much to be gained
within a properly timed
p a u s e .

Hazards

a peculiar day around these parts
the heat of the sun can be felt everywhere
its warmth touching everything
but it is somehow different when
the brightness is only felt on the surface
when a mood that is more gray
and hardly yellow
is felt in places that i'd
rather not recognize
settling somewhere between happy and sad
two generalized emotions that indicate
whether smiles are effortless
the daily quest of living a little
of finding purpose and the pursuit of
whatever
but i must not be so selfish
for this is the human conundrum and
though the weather is slightly mocking
i must be a little more naked for the
daunting sun on a highly unusual
saturday morning.

A Walk

I pull the thick wool coat tighter across my body as I step outside. The streets are quiet and pretty, even at night. The colorful Victorians in their neat rows are gently illuminated by the tall street lamps. After purposely choosing the steepest of the small hills, I begin walking at a quicker pace. My cheeks become warm and the fog and the wool are heavy on my shoulders. As I continue with no set destination, my thoughts are mixed and my emotions dulled. Anyone who contemplates this situation would call me a fool, what happened to your character? How dare you feel sorry for yourself! You got exactly what you wanted! What was that? I think I forgot... My own apartment in this beautiful city, far enough from everything that has been my life so far. I believe I wished for novelty and adventure. The streets that are approaching are not familiar; I glance inside every lit window wondering about those who may be resting inside- Are they happy, complete? My mind is still working quickly, the park is in view now, expanding much farther than what I can see. After surveying my options, I decide to walk into the most dense part of the brush. Branches stick out in almost every direction but my clothes protect me from their sharpness and I easily step over fallen trunks that are tangled all over the ground. Though it is very dark, I am not scared. I hear nothing but my breathing that has become heavier. Before long, I can no longer see the street and the passing of cars has become completely inaudible. Finally, a slow smile creeps over my face… Here, in the middle of nature, I no longer feel so lonely. The night is wide and the huge expanse of trees is everywhere. I am enveloped in their cold embrace. The stars are few and far between, but I have overlooked them anyway. My head is as clear as the air and the soil is making my jeans wet but I don’t bother to notice as I sit in the company of uncertainty.

Greetings...

I promise to write soon. I have been so busy.

xoxo

joie de vivre

the fog is suspended in the air
by invisible strings that hold it
so delicately
it moves as slowly as my adjustment
to this place, so beautiful
but i feel nothing
my legs have moved far before
this little heart left far behind
to find its own way
once again

everything smells different here
my appetite shrinks with new tastes
alone but in the company
of all my dreams
all that i ever desired
before i even knew myself and
what i would become
a very strong mind placed upon
fragile shoulders that sway
but never fall

"Be happy for this moment. This moment is your life."

Sticky

the passing of time is different this evening
its gradual stretch slower and slower
i stare at the framed nothingness
that adorns these ugly walls
i will never exist here again
within this big space that
contains a tiny piece of my history

the end tonight will signal
the beginning of everything else
that will be thrust upon me
as i take my first few steps alone
abondoning the crutch of familiarity
choosing what is foreign and shiny
new and untouched by the hands
of my boredom with the unjustly mundane
routine that was my life

that was until i packed up
my life inside a brown box
taped three times over as if it
actually matters if the contents
were to be spilled, anyway
i am not attached to any of this
these streets signs that connect
all that was me at some point

a different moon, smaller stars
new air, better strangers
this is what happens
when you deal with opportunity
a huge blind leap

just like that i became
unglued.

6/20/08

Tonight, everything will be different.

William Clarke Wontner

Title: Valeria
Oil on Canvas
Size 25 x 21.1 in

A couple of you that know me personally often say I underestimate people, or situations. You forgot to remind me that I can also overestimate... which is far worse.

Finally.

After over fifty years together, Phyllis Lyon and Del Martin will be legally married in San Francisco today. The fact that gay marriage was ever an issue to begin with is baffling. How much progress have we made really? Small steps I suppose. It's just embarrassing that in the year 2008, such a simple human right should be a matter of controversy. Still, I congratulate the victory.

Maybe marriage is another one of those things we do not appreciate because it comes with no effort, all you have to do is decide to walk to the courthouse and that's it! Well, that is if you are a "straight" couple. People either abuse marriage and do not respect what it symbolizes, or they shit all over it because it is an "outdated institution" and have become so disillusioned with the divorce trends.

Can some please accurately define marriage for me?

Barber Shop

I think I may have written about him before... but maybe I haven't. For the past year, every single morning, I walk past a little barber shop on my way to work. I stop to chat with the old man that owns the shop every time I walk by... once in the morning and once in the afternoon. I don't know much about him, and he does not know much about me. All that I know is that seeing him puts a skip in my step. His smile is so genuine, he always has something nice to say. Every. Single. Day. He tells me that seeing me makes the rest of his day better. Ditto, I say. I mean it.

Today I told him I am leaving. I felt very sad while doing so. I didn't think I would, but I truly did. He told me he wishes me the best of luck, though he hates to see me go. He said I am taking his sunshine with me. I told him we didn't have to say goodbye yet, that we still have four more days. He laughed then, and responded... "I never say goodbye. We will cross paths again. I promise." He looked so certain while he spoke, looking me straight in the eye.

I hope he is right.

yard sale

they walk around, meaningless chatter
hands touching what was once so personal
bright pieces of paper stuck on these objects
proudly displaying bargain prices
completely stripping these things of their
true value, the dust has not even settled
the books, the chairs, all of the clothes
no one stops to wonder if parts of her
still linger in the fabric
or in between the pages of words
that kept her company
the pieces of paper are removed as people
greedily clutch what does not belong to them
a stranger's treasures, all that is left
the house is emptier now than it ever was
full of people comfortable in oblivion

that last day, in those final moments
the heaviness of giving up
and how light the burden felt
after the trigger was pulled
the walls will remain
the only witnesses of the
loneliest exit.

Guilty Pleasure #17

I love pretending not to notice someone is rushing to get into the elevator in my building and I just calmly step inside and make the doors close... and stand alone inside with a smile on my face; I hear their hurried footsteps as they try to squeeze in at the last minute but it is too late.

DUMMY

The lucky one is the biggest fool. Always had everything, it is all handed over so neatly and easy to swallow. Without ever having to try, never satisfied, wandering eyes, hoping for something better when the best is what always was.

Michelle Obama

So, as I was getting my daily dose of news & politics here on the interwebs... I came across this:



I laughed out loud. I laughed out loud because right-wing conservatives really amuse me (though they have also proven to be dangerous), and I especially get a kick out of the "Socialist" tag-line they put on anyone with a brain. Sorry she doesn't speak of Jesus, she wasn't part of the rodeo, and she had to work hard to attend both Princeton and Harvard. She has balls and doesn't put up with crap from anyone. Though I do not know Mr. Obama or Mrs. Obama on a personal level, I would be confident to say that he depends on her for a lot more than just wearing pearls and skirt suits to help his campaign. She is very intelligent, supports her husband, and has a head full of ideas on how to improve our lovely U.S. of A.
She is constantly called an "anti-patriot" by Republican fucktards that do not realize that her dissent is actually an effort to save her country from the demise incurred by the Bush administration and the ignorance of people like the person that photoshopped the picture of her I included above.
I like her. And if that other blonde bimbo becomes First Lady, I will gladly turn in my passport and move overseas.

there is permanence
in nothing.

Born Ruffians

"Put your head upon my chest, it breathes
and my fingers through your hair they weave
and your shoulders are the perfect sea
In which I get lost invariably
Oh the elephant is up to sea
If it meets the peach fish underneath
and when I am you and you are me
We are stirred as spoons in lover's tea"

car.

donkey buzz
cool night air
window down
volume up
beethoven's 9th
wow.

Whoa!

I just presented my resignation letter to my boss.

I have been waiting for what seems to be an eternity for this to happen, and all of a sudden things are happening a mile a minute. In less than two weeks, I will be saying goodbye to San Diego.

I bought a road bike. Bike riding is fun. Clementine has a new hobby.

Two weeks...

from today.

Let's celebrate!

Half the battle... VICTORY!!!!!!
I will be celebrating Barack Obama's win for the Presidential nomination... a bottle of wine, some cheese... YES!

PLEASE REALIZE HOW BIG OF A DEAL THIS IS. FOR SO MANY REASONS. THIS IS SUCH AN ENORMOUS LEAP FOR THIS COUNTRY. FINALLY, PEOPLE ARE WAKING UP.

Great minds think alike...

Catherine Deneuve and Yves Saint Laurent, 1966.
Remind me of Marc and Sofia :)

Rest In Peace...

Yves Saint Laurent died today in Paris.
He re-created women's fashion.
He broke all the rules.
With him dies an entire style revolution.

KDDSKOPPOFKOPDKFSD!

ONE

MORE

MONTH

!

weights

suppose that the only real truth
is that i need the weight of
the no and the uncertainty
it drains me and does away with
all that excess space that contains
nothing but the mediocrity of
today and yesterday and i am
perfectly aware that this is not
what is normal or usually acceptable
but i do find great comfort in the
heaviness of this search
for what will make me last
longer this time
because i
have become so weary
of these losers that
misunderstand my win and it is
only when i too succumb that
i fit just for a moment but
the only real truth is that
we lie to gain momentum
because everyone else is slowing
down.

Sex & the City

Yes. I was there at midnight.

I was initially going to type up a long, in-depth review of the Sex and the City movie. I decided against it for two reasons; one reason is that I will spoil the movie if I do, and the other reason is just because I don't really feel like it anymore.

The film is not disappointing. The glamour is there, the innovative fashion is definitely there, and the essence of the four girlfriend's bond continues. If you like the TV show for these reasons, then you will adore the movie and cry like my ridiculous sister. If you like weddings and babies and cheesiness, you will probably go watch the movie again.



I began watching Sex and the City when I was only about thirteen. Let's just say I learned a lot about many things from watching this on HBO when I was most likely way too young. But that is how I do most things anyway...
I loved it because I loved Carrie. I loved how real she was, I love how she expressed herself, and what she represented. In my juvenile mind, she represented the "new" woman: independent, smart, savvy, and effortlessly fashionable. She was a writer, and of course that also has a lot to do with why she was my hero at one point. A point in my life when I was obviously a lot more impressionable.
I miss that Carrie... that smoked too many cigarettes and was always looking for something more. The Carrie that did not take crap from anyone and always had something to say. She stood on her own two feet and set herself apart by always being true to herself. In an effort to make this movie more marketable, HBO did away with a lot of the raw acting and dialogue... there is still some left, but it is easily concealed under the constant label dropping, her love for Mr. Big, a way bigger budget... and Jennifer Hudson? WTF.

Cute movie, but I prefer my Season 1 re-runs any day of the week.

All I have to say...

See you never.

I don't feel sad when I completely cut someone out of my life. When a person or situation is adversely affecting me, I become very good at it. Reminiscent of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind... when you forget, there is nothing left to miss.

metaphor

i love you so gently
in a way that is
like a constant whisper
a reminder that you have
tamed me in a way
that you have become
much more than the
warm spot on my bed
or the hand on my hip
as i fall asleep
sometimes it is not
always so, when it is loud
that is when you hear it most
from my breath near your ear
as i let you in
and your body pressed
against my body
among other fingerprints
that are dissolving
more as the days pass
and we continue to
exist in our small place
away from the noise of
the rest of everything
that is not so pretty
not so gentle

Gooooodddd morning!!!

I woke up this today to wonderful news! I mean, extraordinary news! Something that I never thought would happen in a million years happened. I have the best Dad, I mean it. I sort of feel bad for everyone else in the world... except for my sister because she gets him, too.

And then, as I drove to work, I received a phone call that I had been anticipating. This phone call only brought more good news to my already fantastic morning. Even the usually horrible coffee at work was drinkable!

I love bragging because these past few months have been so stressful, and now everything is falling into place.

I hope you have a beautiful day.

Back to reality...

Much to my dismay, I returned from San Francisco yesterday. I really, really did not want to. I had such a perfect weekend. It was absolutely lovely... it rained the first day we were there, which was nice. But, then the next day it was actually a little bit sunny! Not only that, but I was in the sweetest company. We are such a great team, and I love being in love... I noticed so many little things about him this weekend. He got me coffee while I showered and even buckled the strap on my shoes while we waited for the elevator at our hotel; I was running late for a very important appointment (surprise, surprise). FACT: Some people are better than others. <3

It was so much fun, exploring the city and making our plans. And yes, I had a few "appointments", and I am very happy to say they went remarkably well. I do not want to give too many details until everything is set in stone, I do not want to jinx anything. Let's just say there are green lights all over the place, and we will have a new zip code an entire month sooner than we thought. I promise to not be so ambiguous in just a couple of weeks, when everything is set.

I was so sad to leave that I got drunk by myself on the ride home.

:)

Blasphemous profanity brings a little joy to my heart in moments of frustration.

National Public Radio

Nothing good in the news today.
It just one of those days.
One of those days when I really can't even fake a smile to strangers walking down the street and I have evil thoughts about 99% of the people that I encounter. Oh, and it is raining. Actually, rain is good. I like rain.

...but, I will not be frazzled for long...

*THIS TIME TOMORROW I WILL BE IN MY BELOVED SAN FRANCISCO.*

P.S. I went to the Museum of Contemporary Art last night and watced "Eraserhead". God damn, that deserves its own blog entry. More on this later.

none

the lightest night was when
i felt you, almost, as i drove home
the moon beams were warm
against the fresh wind and the quiet
under a dark sheet with plastic stars
you sleep next to an empty form that
knows nothing of how scared you are
and how small you were as our bodies
were just a tangle of arms and legs
our faces so close i heard those words
before you even opened your mouth
and i kissed you like i never thought
and i bet no one would ever believe
that we were really that once
just two more of a big kind
that yearn for a morning that isn't
so transparent and mundane
but now i only feel the light night
as i remember that just once you
also were warm and real
and not just
what i think of when the moon and i
drive along the way
you could never go

Charles Bukowski

one of Lorca's best lines
is,
"agony, always
agony..."
think of this when you
kill a
cockroach or
pick up a razor to
shave
or awaken in the morning
to
face the
sun.

Sssshhhh... ;-)

Belaire

Waiting for your future to unfold,
you're not a little kid anymore,
you've got to find what you're looking for.

Sunburn, Coconut Records, and a trip to SF.

Yesterday was a great beach day... friends, beers, and cancerous rays of sun... LOVELY. I have cuts and bruises from trying to climb the cliffs to go to "special" beach spots. Oh, how I will miss the Vitamin D overdoses. Do they have In & Out in the Bay Area?

On another note, I am obsessed with Jason Schwartzman's [not so] new music project... very good stuff, and not only because we all know I like him anyway! ;)

AND! I will be in San Francisco in just a few short days, scoping out a major opportunity I will disclose at a later date...
For now, I leave you with this:



P.S. NEW WOODY ALLEN FILM OPENS IN SEPTEMBER!!! JAVIER BARDEM, PENELOPE CRUZ, AND SCARLETT JOHANSSON.

Glad to report...

Sunny skies, warm temperatures, a gorgeous Saturday in my lovely San Diego.



Tomorrow I will be a beach bum... trying to pretend there is no such thing as Mondays!

All of your failures are training grounds.

My sister, our friend Donkey, and I spent some quality time together and went the Rilo Kiley show tonight at Viejas Casino. They played a good set, Jenny sounded awesome, and Jason looked beautiful like always... On the drive home from Alpine, we sang oldies and listened to AIR all the way.
Good night :]

The semester is almost over...

FINALLY! Hardest one to date, but the worst is yet to come. YAY for higher education!

Quedate Luna...

¿Qué tomas lunita y porqué estas tan amarilla?
Bueno, ya estoy cansada y mis hijas ya me dicen viejita
El pelo tan seco y mi piel ya no brilla
Pero el mundo es tuyo, esta noche eres mía.


Devendra Banhart

For a new blogger/reader/♥:

You know who you are :]

Sweet Adeline...

Cut this picture into you and me
Burn it backwards, kill this history
Make it over, make it stay away
Or hate'll sing the ending that
Love started to say

There's a kid a floor below me singing:
"Brother can you spare sunshine for a brother
Old man winter's in the air"
Walked me up a story, asking how you are
Told me not to worry,
You were just a shooting star

Sweet Adeline
My Clementine

It's a picture perfect evening
and I'm staring down the sun
Fully loaded, deaf and dumb and done
Waiting for sedation to disconnect my head
Or any situation where
I'm better off than dead

The move...

So, it is still a few months away but it is really starting to dawn on me that this is a pretty big deal and I am 100% convinced I am leaving. Little decisions are influenced by "the big move", like whether or not I should buy cheap coffee at the gas station instead of a soy latte at Starbucks, or the fact that I am avoiding the purchase of any fashion magazines because I am not allowed to even think about buying clothes. I don't mind really, and I enjoy checking out books at the library instead of buying them at Borders. I love the smell of old books, and the library is one of my favorite places. A huge building full of books! I have continued with my appreciation of the little (free) things, like the smell of the air when I go on early-morning runs, before the streets are filled with cars and no one else has crunched the leaves on the ground but me. I am really looking forward to this change: new city, new job, new school, new everything. I have two interviews lined up for when we go up there to see apartments and such, and of course, that makes me even more optimistic. I am not excited about not having my best friends close, but I will be okay. I am also looking forward to meeting new and interesting people, though no one can replace some of the people that I am leaving in San Diego. They are the unconditionals. :) April is almost over... then comes May, June, July, San Francisco.

"To exist is to change... to go on creating oneself endlessly..."

I realized...

that keeping a job just for a paycheck is a terrible, terrible thing.

40 hours a week=160 hours a month=1,920 hours a year of life doing something you hate.

things that made me happy today:

*completion of essay from hell
*invitation to peace conference... hippie-free
*netflix watch instantly's great collection of both classic and foreign films
*good possibility of job already lined up in san francisco
*karina is back
and last but not least
*the return of yoga

:]

Recluse

I am a happy person, I like being with friends and family, laughing and having nice conversations. But, there are moments when I feel like buying a plane ticket and disappearing for a while. Bringing lots of books, traveling, writing... a vacation where I feed my brain and my intellect. I will finally be able read Don Quixote in it's entirety... Haven't had time to read makes-my-brain-hurt literature since last spring when I read John Milton's Paradise Lost. I just feel that so many of my daily activities provide nothing, they are just synchronized steps that fill in those gaps of time.

JUNO

I finally saw it. To be honest, I sort of put it off because I thought I would be disappointed. I thought, so much hype? No way could a great film be appreciated by so many people.

Know what I mean?
Well, I must say, without going too far into it... It is just as great as all the film critics and the people at the "Academy" said, for the most part. The direction was mediocre, in my humble opinion. But other elements made up for that. First and foremost, the Juno character is fantastic. I loved her. I want her to be my friend. She has guts. Major guts. But not only her, all of the characters were awesome in their own individual ways. The acting was half of what made it relatively exceptional. And also, of course, the screenplay. So much great dialogue and one-liners. Diablo Cody totally, 100%, deserved that Oscar. I laughed... and I cried! Yes! My cotton ball eyeballs actually shed a tear!!! See, I do have feelings.

:P
Well, anyway, I know I was a bit late in the game, but nevertheless, I greatly appreciated that movie. It was simple yet symbolic without being obscure or trying too hard to be artsy and indie-ish.

And it made me love Kimya Dawson even more than I already do.

Today at work...

I met a very interesting old man. He smelled of cigarettes and quoted Oscar Wilde in a regular conversation. He knows art and literature and culture. I am sure he speaks another language or two and has traveled around the world. This man can speak of the most mundane things and describe them in a beautiful way. Articulation beyond comparison. He wears accidentally fashion-forward clothing, even in his old age, with quirky little ties. I am sure he is often misunderstood, especially in the circles he moves in. People with their noses up in the air, people that have everything and understand nothing. He is so simple and so complex and he is not captivated by the world. I am sure he does not notice or care that he is probably a spectacle to some.

I have always appreciated quirky individuals like him.

Nutella Crepes

some may say it is quite abnormal
that your absence fills my days with thoughts
of your snow and this sunshine and the gentle buzz
our memories bring or maybe it's this glass of wine
usually i share bottles with you but we both know
i can do most things alone anyway
as my moon barely peeks out
and i keep going through the steps of day
you sleep very far away from me
but maybe the sky looks the same and you will
think of me as you glance up and remember
that you stretched but aren't gone because
i still feel you here and we will pick up
but we never left off because we just sort of
come together like that but why explain
you already know i can't say i miss you
because you are wherever i go

APPEASED

in a world so full of nothing
and so empty of truth
we forget the true beauty
of human imperfection
and the total happiness
that can be found in simplicity
we are so big and so hungry
always searching for more
but we have everything
all those perishable things
that will distract
the greedy ego but only
for a little while
all that matters is forgotten
because this appetite is not
only insatiable but dangerous
and the sunsets are polluted
and Beethoven becomes boring
in a world full of nothing

The Second Spring

When I let go of everything that was comfortable, when I finally had the spine to turn on the silence and realize that these sweet, superficial cushions were a lot less than truth... but dressed real pretty- In that moment I became whole again. And now, after that period of zero, now I have everything that I need to move forward. WHY didn't anyone tell me this before????

If I had known that I really didn't need anything but what I had to begin with, we wouldn't have wasted so much time.

La Valse des Monstres

You came out of nowhere, really
I did not look for you, and you did not search for me
Actually, maybe I did
Most likely you were the one that I was waiting for
But I waited without ever stopping to look around
Truthfully unaware that there would be someone
That might cross my narrow path and with
Gentle eyes and a funny laugh
Break through the thorny exterior and find this
Simple soul with many dreams and so little faith

Over bottles of cheap wine and homemade pizza
We became a pair and so we stand here now
And I think you get it and think you understand
How this crazy mind of mine works and how to halt
Those moments of dark thoughts and cynical commentary
When we discuss the future and San Francisco
And how you think that not all of my music collection
is extraordinary

Please remember that you have most of it
Except for the small parts I will never give away
Do not let my constant flow of words and the absence of affection
Make you think twice, because I am a bit of a coward
It is a lot more pleasant to continue moving forward
And never looking back
I am too selfish to give up and not big enough to try
And most likely I will find myself
Millions of miles away from here
But who am I to say
That I know anything at all?

Ode to the Sixth

Unwelcome and persistent
She screams about things I do not want to hear
Constant and truthful, she feels everything
That my heart, selfish and aloof
Chooses to ignore
Usually I try to push her out, but she is far stronger than me
And a lot more straightforward
Sometimes I manage to make her go, Or so I think...
but then she returns in my dreams
And I awake amongst constricting blankets and a heavy feeling
in the center of my stomach reminding me
How my conscience is not so quiet
and that my intuition is my best friend.

Chez Moi

• wood floors
• lots and lots of books
• a growing movie collection
  
• art on walls
• a cozy fireplace
• a small yet present wine rack
• vinyl records
• record player for aforementioned records
• vanilla candles
• a cat named Eloise
• a deliciously comfortable bed with tangled sheets
• the smell of coffee and him in the morning
  

I am...

completely


in love with words.

Avec sucre

I love you in secret,
a secret that I keep even from myself,
Because something as fragile as this,
Should never be touched, except by the rays of sun,
that trickle in from in between the blinds,
and rest gently on our naked skin,
As I keep pretending that I am standing with two feet
firmly planted on the ground,
When I am actually dancing on the ceiling,
Upside down and with the biggest smile on my face,
and on the lips that kiss you, and have kissed you
for so many days.
Why should I say it?
We both know how fleeting this is,
why cement something that may not be here tomorrow?
It will be easier to forget this way...
Without having some silly verbs hanging in the air.

Blasphemy...

So today is Ash Wednesday. For years and years, I would get black stuff smudged on my forehead at school, since having a super itchy uniform wasn't enough. This always confused me. And then giving things up for Lent. Why? Why would Jesus/god want us to give up stuff we like to prove we are good Catholics? Shouldn't he want us to enjoy our diet coke and candy and stuff? And then the not eating meat on Fridays. Shouldn't they ask us not eat meat ever instead? Why just Fridays? Maybe the church has stock at McDonald's... the fish filet wasn't doing very well, I guess. I'm sure that made sales sky-rocket. Okay, now I'm just babbling.

I still don't get it, though.

?

I am not sure if it is a good thing, or a bad one...

but some things never change.

Elephant

Happiness, fulfillment-

Wanting, needing, loving what I already have.

Peut-etre...

Let's hope we stay connected
I want to fight for the longevity
of the warmth I feel when you are in
this tiny atmosphere
where the only thing that matters is
that you are close enough
close in such as way that
there is nothing between us except
the oxygen your hungry kisses breathe into me
as we do that thing we like to do
and keep this self-proclaimed cynic
secretly thinking... "perhaps."

Radiohead- Faust Arp

Wakey, wakey, rise and shine
It's on again, off again, on again
Watch me fall like
Dominoes in pretty patterns
Fingers in the blackbird pie
I'm tingling, tingling, tingling
It's what you feel now
What you ought to, what you ought to
Reasonable and sensible
Dead from the neck up
Because I'm stuffed, stuffed, stuffed
We thought you had it in you
But not, but not, but not
For no real reason.

I love you but enough is enough.

Tuff

A wise friend of mine gave me some very simple advice. He told me that if I remember that anything can happen, and anything can change, everything will be so much easier to soak in, nothing will come as a weakening shock. This is so true. And once I applied this perspective to different aspects of my life, I realized just how simple and important this is. I am at a point where I have so much going for me, and in turn, so much to give. I am not scared of anything, and I am prepared for everything.
I have a different sort of confidence, perhaps a more mature self-righteousness. I suppose it stems from the fact that I know I am a good person, but a person with substance because I want to be someone great. I have become allergic to mediocrity. I really value the people in my life who are close to me, and if they decide to turn their backs, I will shrug it off because I know I could have given that person a lot, but he/she chose to go. There is no turning back.

Again I say it: we are the lucky ones.

She fell

As you fall asleep next to me

The only sound is that of your breath

As it becomes heavier

I am captivated by the gentle silhouette of your face

In the dark, your hand is still in mine, as you dream

The realization is sudden and clear

My cowardly heart has gained strength

From your touch, your warmth

And I am ready to fall, to fall

Up or down, or wherever it is one goes

When she decides to let herself

Jump without a parachute, without that promise

It is far too late to hope you will catch me

But maybe,

Maybe you will.

Lucky, lucky, lucky.

A beach day in January! As it snows in other parts of the country... I enjoyed a lovely Saturday with sunshine, a book, a nice hike up the cliffs, and good company. Jealous?

Funny...

I will keep this brief...

It just does not cease to amaze me how the people I least expect are always the ones that come through, the ones that surprise me...

The ones that are worth it :)

They lied!

Cynism is my muse. What a shame it would be to wholly believe in that crap.

Claire de Lune

The moon is my only company
as I go outside at night and take long walks
alone with my music, and the constant melody of
leaves cracking under my feet
The moon is my confidant
She knows of my dreams, we have discussed
my biggest fears and my strongest weakness
The moon knows all about how my adoration grows
as I write the script of our romance in my head
pretending it is somehow relative to our reality
The moon is so much gentler than the harsh sun
which casts a blinding glow on the soft spots
while the moon gently illuminates them
Making even the darkness seem so beautiful
The magnificent moon is my muse
and I dedicate these simple words to her
Because she does not have a mouth
so she can never repeat this
to an envious ear who will notice how great she is
and steal her away from me.

Before there were blogs.

I found my old poetry books. After reading them, I feel such a relief. I am relieved because I still want the same things, I still write, read. But now I am older, now I am actually on the path that I must take to attain my goals. Of course, so many of them ooze teenage angst and silly rebellion. I wrote of punk music and being "different" and of two of my favorite people. Those two people are still very dear to me, and I trust them more than some people I see/talk to every day. We live in different worlds, but we still remain close, we still stand for the same things, share similar ideals. We would make our 14 year old, converse wearing former selves proud! :)

One of my journal entries, written in 2000, speaks of how I want to move to a new city, get an apartment, take long walks, write, perhaps meet a boy who can be my partner in this discovery, write some more. The title of that entry? "Eight years from now..."

Tree Feeling

Written 8/25/00

I met a lady who lived in a tree,
I went to visit her one day,
She let me in,
and we had tea,
she asked me if the world is healthy again.
I said I didn't know what she meant,
She gently patted my hand,
"It's alright," she said...
"There is room for two in here."

Happenstance

I am not a very religious person, nor have I ever been. Certain forms of spirituality can be good and healthy, but I have yet to find those. What is very peculiar, though, is how life has a way of reminding me how small I am, and that I really do not control every aspect of my fate. It is important to have goals and strive to attain them, try to be a good person (or karma will kick you in the ass), and so on and so forth. But then there are moments where I am placed in a situations I did not plan, or am confronted with something I never expected. That is when I realize life has a funny way of pointing me in the right direction, and it also enjoys giving me firm reminders of what is in store for me. Most of the time I feel that I am in the driver's seat and have the power to do everything my way.

But then sometimes I feel I am just a chess piece in someone else's game.

La Valse des Monstres

Yann Tiersen's music is one of my favorite things in the entire world. Such talent is unequaled, unbelievably perfect music.

:)

I came across the blog of a dude.

This dude's blog speaks of his wife and kid, nothing too fantastic, just their daily shenanigans. And in the most beautiful (and humorous) way, without sounding cheesy or cliche, he expresses his love and devotion for them. It made me smile as I read, because it reminded me good things DO happen.
We get so cynical, so caught up in all the negative things. Lies, boredom, divorce, heart break. The truth is, we all want to find happiness. And it still exists! It is not extinct, we just look for it in the wrong places.

Composition

I believe it was Oscar Wilde that said, and I do not quote, that an artist, in order to be an artist, does not perceive things as they really are. How true this is.

I do not consider myself an artist yet. I need to create something so great, it must be influential. But, I do have the perception area down in the most artistic sense. I see things as I would like them to be. I am capable of writing a verse, or a poem, or an essay, about something I have never felt. My talent does not lie in my ability to convey my emotions in an artistic way.

My talent lies in my ability to create them.

Control

(I wrote this a while ago. This is how it felt. Now I can breathe.)

And what is in control?

What is love if it does not consume you,

envelope you, constrict you in a such a way

that not even time, nor space,

nor another person can separate

me from you so I can breathe?

Bonjour

Every morning that we love
the smell of coffee beans
and San Diego rising
you begin your day
and I start mine
apart but very close
and do not seem to realize
why you are a part of me
that electricity that hung in the air
wasn't strong enough to
influence the simplicity that is you
certain that you do not see
that the joining of you to me
makes you someone different today
because no one else carries my
thoughts around as he goes about
his day to day routine.

Tom Tykwer

naked juice.

so now that you are not within my reach
i can remind my impulsive mind
that you absolutely cannot melt me
that i must pretend that those gentle kisses on my neck
are only to combat loneliness
most likely your firm grip on my waist
is only about power...
your silent stare as i look away
is simply curiosity
but i sure as hell know
this feeling is much too familiar
as i try not to concentrate on that pretty face of yours
it is just so terribly obvious
i am standing completely still.

LOUD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is something I must say to you
but perhaps it would be better for me to not let you know at all
Maybe just write it down and let that serve as a release and quickly after crumple this up and throw it away
Though that would not be enough for me to forget it
You see life has a funny way of showing us where to go,
No matter how strong I am,
or how I try to look the other way
something here is far stronger than I (and a lot more stubborn, too)
I am only brave enough when I have the cushion that your weakness provides
Am I the only one melting here?

This is not new to me, I've been around love before
But there is something strange here,
I have the strongest urge to grab you,
One hand on either side of that face of yours,
and say something,
say something so LOUDLY,
and perhaps the words will sink in,
because I feel as if though
You are so unaware!
I can give you everything,
I've never given away everything before
To anyone, such a mistake that would have been
So now what?
I simply cannot fall alone,
if you do not catch me
that would be the end,
because I have little hope in things I cannot touch
At some point, in various moments,
I was so full of you, but now it is just not enough,
I have so much, so much that it cannot go forward like this
Because there is just too much in me
and so little in you.

I almost prefer to leave you now, because that way
the memories I hold will be like something incomplete
and the end will hold so much possibility
I am floating and you just walk along
There is a chance that good-bye would leave me with this for a very long time
But we are just stretching this out, a simple thread does not suffice
I want everything and if I do not find it in you,
that means it is just waiting for me in another place.

Maybe another day...

I left him and then came spring. The seasons are so symbolic! And since then, I found myself again. I fell out of love with all of that, and fell in love once again with all that makes me happy. I stand alone with my words, my music, my books, my art. I needed nothing but these things and with them I regained strength and I can feel my energy attracting others who are are also enamored with all that we create. And now that I have both feet planted firmly (or perhaps not so firmly) on this ground I am ready to let someone in. I want to share all this beauty that I have discovered!
There is so much here and I am so confident in this. But I am so reserved, so shut down. Maybe I should wait a little longer, and continue keeping all of this to myself.

Untitled

I am especially fond of the cold, gloomy mornings. As I walk to the building where I work in downtown, usually listening to Yann Tiersen on my iPod, I feel a little bit of Europe in San Diego. Certain buildings, the faint smell of coffee and cigarettes in the air, and people wearing scarves and warm coats.

These are almost always the better days.

Schism...

I wish I could brake my thoughts. I guess once in a while something good comes of my over-active brain, but most of the time it is just a royal pain in the ass. Especially when "mind space" is consumed by so much useless analyzing, making things far more abstract than they actually are. And even worse, I contemplate people who I really shouldn't be thinking about at all.

2 0 0 8

So, back to reality.

The holidays are officially over. It is quite a relief in some ways, although Christmas was really lovely. I have a lot to look forward to this year, and I want to really make things happen. The new semester begins on the 28th of this month, and I will be quite busy. I am very happy with my grades from last semester. I did very well, considering I maintained a highly active social life and worked every day of the week. This year I want to focus more on my studies, and less on stupid distractions. I am looking forward to (hopefully) moving to San Francisco this summer and begin attending school there in the fall. Great time of the year to start a new part of my life. Pretty metaphoric... no?

Don't really feel like writing anymore. :) More on this later.