my eternal muse
the heat of your body
is my oxygen

my forever muse
your eyes are
my kaleidoscope
of this earth

my blue muse
the curve of your mouth
the slant of your nose
my hand in yours
yin and yang

My skin is just a tender cloak
I can take it off and hang it up
The moment I step into our sacred space
Our bed is my church and sanctuary
Love is such a stale and weightless word
For the volcano that exists in the core of me
And bleeds and sighs and creates for you
Over and over, without a single thought
Just heat, intensity, a field of wildflowers
It is there we lay, barely existing
Passionately devoid of a care
Because our adoration is the temple
where we praise of destiny

sometimes i am just a slow tumbling weed
coasting over all the greenery and fauna
arriving to the coveted place, no one goes
it is just a reoccurring dream, a fantasy
where you reach that precipice, above it all
bird's eye view of tiny heads and concepts
you see your own soul, dancing
the casket of your body in ashes

I'm no longer even aware
You are the constant stream
Of my lovesick subconscious
I can still smell and taste everything
I've never truly missed until
8 days without you.

I will never say no to you

Because I will never forget 

How it felt the first time

We created that cosmic energy

That only exists when we touch

You can let your lips graze others

But nothing will bring that drunk haze

We were sober, but completely lit

My tongue and yours and I'm not sure when I began 

My hand down your pants and my hips that fit right into you 

And you love me as hard outside as you do in

That can all happen with anyone 

But nothing will set our souls on fire

Quite the same way as us naked and tangled and insatiable 

I will not let go of the space that we can never create

Our dimension exists no matter where I go, no matter how hard you try

My magnet man will always make this sun rise.

A study [of metaphysical concepts.]

essay oringally published on this blog 6 years ago.
valeria velasquez.
22 years old, philosophy major.
san francisco, ca.

A study [of metaphysical concepts.]

There are moments in life when I have looked around, and there always seemed to be someone next to me. And then ahead and behind, I could see people standing as well. As time passes and I grow, these persons seem to become smaller. The center of human reality, the ego, is always present. And when one of those rare, yet staggering, moments of weakness crept in, I looked around and hoped to find a body that could hold me up. The real test, I have discovered, is when there is nothing but too much empty space. Looking around is fruitless because the only one who can push me forward is myself and then I must rely only on inner strength and any sense of ferocity that once was.

Truly being alone is the most strengthening experience, in the metaphysical sense, that one can endure. Complete loneliness can be absolutely uncomfortable, because in this state everything is illuminated and this stark light is not always flattering. Without the luxury of company and the crutch of stale conversation, you are forced to hear buried thoughts and confront the unfortunate aspects of current existence. There are several stages that must be exhausted in order to reach the true height of self-realization. The first step is the hardest, and the longest. This first step, a sort of depression, is the most critical and also the one that will yield the strength that is necessary during this journey.

The depression can vary in degree and length of time. It stems from a great feeling of inadequacy and the complete dissipation of the blissful sense of wellbeing that comes from ignorance. The key is staying afloat during this period and keeping the eyes open to begin to absorb some of the discovery that will begin to unfold. Several aspects of this discovery may cause grief, but others will bring a true sense of gratitude. Soon, the conscience will begin to separate the good from the bad. At this juncture, the depression will cease and the self will begin to strengthen.

The “bad” list will be analyzed but from a sort of objective distance, and one by one these situations will be re-assessed or erased altogether. The “good” list in the conscience will be the strongest and will also become the center of a newfound reality. This center will begin to govern the decisions the subconscious makes. Several of these items will become more profound and all of one’s devotion will be invested in the parts of biggest importance. There are three keys aspects at the top of the list: The Self, The Endeavors of the Self, and Family/True Friendships.

Even when self-realization has been met, it is not static. The three main categories of existence will be constantly changing and evolving. The constant growth of such things is the only way that they will flourish and make at least the smallest of positive contributions to our human progress. Above all, the self will gain the most valuable and altering of all realizations: Each and every sentient being exists in a selfish and private universe. We must rely on ourselves and stand firmly on our own perseverance in order to truly be and not only breathe for the sake of doing so. Those who are lucky enough to achieve this are the most misunderstood, the most questioned, the most free.

house of cards.

I don't wanna be your friend
I just wanna be your lover
No matter how it ends
No matter how it starts

Forget about your house of cards
And I'll do mine
Forget about your house of cards
And I'll do mine

And fall off the table, get swept under

Denial, denial

The infrastructure will collapse
Voltage spikes
Throw your keys in the bowl
Kiss your husband goodnight

Forget about your house of cards
And I'll do mine
Forget about your house of cards
And I'll do mine

Fall off the table, get swept under

Denial, denial
Denial, denial

Your ears should be burning
Denial, denial
Your ears should be burning

please save me,
from the walking dead girl.

i look for you in everything
songs, words, the night, whiskey
i claw through every realm just
so i can feel you again, smell you
nothing in me has forgotten
you are my lucid dream
the angel that always held my hand

in your possession is my
tempered and endless soul
the deep ocean of my human self
in its place are the ashes of
our love and devotion
the undertaker, the tiny Phoenix

the only clarity are the tears
i let myself weep, i mourn
for you, for my magnet that
is walking around being the other half
of everything i am.

i knew i was dying
my eyes were closed and
i could feel the biggest smile
coming over my gray and empty
face.

every inch of my body
was erupting with waves of
euphoria and overwhelming
joy.

nothing hurt, the pain was indicating
that i was leaving this place
forever. to my own personal nirvana
my own dream state.

alone and dead but happy.
death felt better than breathing.
i was dead and finally
alive.

no one has ever asked me for my words
only my company, my body, my face
only you. only you wanted everything.

how many words does it take to say we are fucked?
an eternity in 210 days. but then
each day it lives inside of me, so confused
this dismal and tainted love still thinks
it is alive and well and breathing
sucking everything out of me because
it relentlessly exists.

all mine.

my ribs are aching from the weight of
this bloody pulp, this massacre
it used to be my heart, now desecrated

i smile only because
how can one live with
this dark pit? falling and falling
into a space of nothingness
in every direction but still
i get up and pretend to be human
you fake it long enough that
you forget if there is any difference
between the skeleton and the flesh.

i envy everything that is touching you right now.

how many lives have i loved you?
i feel myself plunging into miles of
black sea, searching, to peel away this layer
this lifetime where you did not come first
you came after to remind me that
our souls never forget, they exist even
when we are dead and waiting to
come back as tulips or a moth
and like you always have, again and again
you will find me, in every form, every existence
you will find me just to remind me
that we persevere through the pain of goodbye
until we come back once more
as humans or goats or fog or fire 

(excerpt from an essay.)

It was just another typical night
in the same neighborhood we had frequented
with other people and different bodies
our lives an undeniable parallel, one soul
you barely drank anything and I pretended
that my thoughts were not already slower and blurry
I wanted to touch your hair, your hands
In that dim red light I decided to make you love me, come in

We stood by my car and wrapped our arms around each other
the first time of one million, a tiny second of hundreds of hours
You smelled like cigarettes, leather, masculinity, my passion
For an instant I felt my hips grind into yours, your mouth on my neck

But you were already walking away, a perfectly calculated dark shadow
The distance greater with each step you took but only ending the schism
We were no longer going to live mirrored lives, never intersecting
The unexplained magnetic force was far wiser and less careful than us
Our grenades had dropped and we would have to fight forever
For the other half of our being, finally present, unable to be let go again.

You are an island of me
Your earth is the only solidity
The only element beneath my feet
Your island is my universe
The celestial paradise where
We are two exploding stars
The only burning comets
Slaves to time that is
Bleak and never ending

I am the destroyer.

A tidal of 

Complexity and hedonism

A true nightmare with

Yellow hair and a

Certain level of toxicity 

That will burn right through

Even when it no longer 

Feels good you'll be just

Another poisoned victim 

Of the wide eyed serpent 

No heart, just a gathering of

Adequately curated intentions

the phoenix is tired
too many lives exhausted
she lay in the hills of ash
comfortable in rebirth

but her heart is alive
gallons of raw and fresh
blood for her raven
who is not new but
so dark with claws that

will carve a soul out of
a lost pile of bones
writing a pretty sonnet
for the skeleton
in the wind.

hi, angus.

9th, 4th movement

and i will capture you
to save us because
your face near mine is
the closest that this
tired and poisoned spirit
will come to divinity

let us stay tucked far
from this world that
will only fray neat seams
eight limbs so in love that
they tangle and entwine
constantly, clothed and naked

two mouths, one breath
into your neck, your hair
everything i write now is
my adoration and thirst for
the sole king, the renegade

you come from the part of  me
that is hanging off the steep cliff
where the mermaids go with
the long and tangled hair that
wraps itself around your bones and
lures you into my poisonous hips
full of too many words, they spill over
and the familiar torrential storm that
rides into you, alongside you

i am the neptune you are
weary of as we make love against
the september twilight and the
wooden chair where you wait 
and wait for me.

i will keep it pristine, immaculate
through this murky cesspool of
half-truths and fading yesterdays
this love will triumph and come
radiant and gallant, like my man

with every care that remains i will
drag it, aimlessly, passionately
to the other side where the sun
has never burned her light
the humble home with tiny windows
because in this cavity is where
her moon is caged, a prisoner.

I am searching for a space
In which we can exist
Somewhere that is not here
On this torrid and tangible earth
An afterlife where there is no history
Only that same unspeakable chemistry
That magnetized two passing strangers
That will forever shackle us and torment
A battered taste of sweetness, of depth
Just a fleeting moment on the lips
Tattooed into the knuckles
But still an eternity.

angus.

it comes to me
in moments
in quiet
alone in nothing
somehow you become my breath
& like iron to blood
i am nourished

you said you adore me
to the very marrow of
your bones and the core
but really the love is
not the frame
it is the very composition
of two jagged souls

the faint spot in the
heavily weighted abyss.

the pirate.

in me there is a vast space with nothing
a result of the impossibility that is
my love for you that crashes against
the largest ship and barely nudges it
even though i am drowning 
still i do not affect anything because
i am just the low tide that grazes your toes and
you continue to enjoy my shore
with the heat of the sin

dudley.

like a dead fish, spine removed
that is how you gutted me
meat cut out, set aside
my colorful scales neatly stacked
for those hungry moments when
you might need to be reminded of
how soft my flesh is, so tender
i melt in your mouth, flaking
my eyes are dark and empty

i used to be free and lively
the immensity never sunk me

somehow the blades of grass seem comfortable
i wanted to lay among the life, my back among thorns
quiet there, this fried lawn and i, breathing
the sprinklers came on, artificial rain over my skin
but it felt good. my eyes were closed. welcoming.
take me into you, the purity and the divine. wash me.

tonight i laid in the grass for a while. the moon was full.
but she was boring and diluted, not beaming.

it was just my spine
elongated on the green.

The words are my ammunition
I have gone to war with all
That is in color, in flames
Until everything is nothing and
Out of that ash I will keep on
Exploding onto paper because
Within these lines is whatever
My shell is composed of
The tiny intention in my creation

A yellow haired phoenix, the guerrilla
With a simple cause, one that has me
Scarred and jaded and exhausted
There is nothing that will stop
The recurrence of what needs to be
Out of pits of ash I will continue to
Rise and birth and kill and be born
Over and over

So I'll let you fill me
Every corner of the
Scorpion Queen
Devour me and
I'll be born again
Rejuvenated with
Your hot blood
Leaving bruises where
Only your hands
Two skilled navigators
Ride me out to the
Infinite ocean of your
Stained blue heart

OSC+MIC

at least she will be pretty
when she forgets her name
and her backbone dilutes
with the response to a crumbling
sense of wonder and the
sardonic sense of time that
will come when the truth shines-
this world is not divine, as
every perfect curve of your
sweet angel face, golden hair
the bright spots that are left

this world is a black, cratered moon
disguised as a blue planet so that
we can love it just enough to
get out of bed every morning with some
earnest ambition and love over the corn fields
and the dismal skylines and the traffic
and regard some semblance of faith and purity

at least you will be pretty so things
will come easier to you just keep
that fountain of youth spilling over
protect your shell as the insides begin to
turn over and bury themselves because
your two strong legs will carry you further
than you needed, with your withering heart
still bloody and red and beautiful.

and as you speak the darker spaces
sort of remove themselves and become
a shadow that decorates your face
this has in me in a spell where
every part of you is beautiful
only i've seen you from that side

pour over me
every memory that has no light
especially the ones that killed you

i see vividly, always in color
even when the night has fallen
& the sea is just as black as the sky
no tangible separation
an impermeable twosome
the infinite romance between air and water

I feel you all the way up to my throat
Because you've come and massacred
Every segment of my self has
Been touched and questioned

Where is that part of you that
 loves so hard it bleeds
Every vein ruptured and exposed
Like a river draining into the darkest valley
You become me because
Of that universal pull

Here I am naked, loving you
Where I am everything, not caring
Who ignited you?
who feeds the fire?

When all I want to do is
Scream and pull my hair out
To be naked and free
In the moments when I forget
That I just have to keep it cool
Always reserved, always pretty
Mostly quiet but just loud enough
To keep them coming back for more
Of the classy one with the
Big eyes that say everything & nothing
All at once.

Spring is over

Sometimes you hold on tightly and with both hands because you know that
Everything wilts in time and sometimes it isn't much time at all
Just enough so that it hurts in a way that cements your insides and
You become a zombie just like all the others

Just a shell of what you were before that one soul set itself apart
From every other shitty human
And came only to complete you
Profoundly
Perfectly
In waves of happiness, and then only leave broken shells

As we weave through existence
Never whole again, but knowing exactly how it felt...
Everything erupted
And then the void

the morning breaks through the window though it's tightly shut
she earnestly stops in even when no one wants her
the pretty bandit coming to kill
because with the end of night comes the start of another intention
to keep doing something that may someday resemble
the reality you wanted when there was still hope that
we create the days, the truth
of what will replay when we are dead and over
and someone else is new and wasted
trying to hide from that very same light

sirena.

no es mucho pero es algo
el amor que llega a ti sin que
lo esperes mientras sigues con
la idea que nada de lo bueno
llegara solo y pleno para ti
pero aquí me tienes como
la sirena que jamás esperabas
algo que no es real pero te ama
como el día nuevo que no vez llegar
como la noche que cae sin palabras

I want to be the one who
Creeps into your darkest thoughts
The ones that come in loneliness
When you forget the bony joints
That dig into you as I try to
Take every single breath and create
A love that can endure all things

I will keep feeding your love with
My warm blood that scorches when
The way you look at me says that
Every other human is a shallow distraction
In this insignificant twosome of humanity
I find everything I've ever craved

In the most dark of rooms

There exists purity and no silence

The unmistakable shadow of that which

Will reach right over to your neck and

You lay there sort of still basking in

The frigid air that seeps through the breath of

Your soul and whatever came here tonight

To rip it out with an open mouth that tastes you 

The spool is empty now, there is no road back to 

The place that carries you here 

Where you empty and feel nothing 

The only warm thing

Just another floating soul
With small plans but exuberant ideas
Of what sounds good and will flourish
With the passing of time and the
Strong will of hopeful expectation

Entre todo esto y la obscuridad

Existe tu luna que se pega

Contra el mar y alumbra

Un corazón que no le tiene

Confianza ni al amor ni al tiempo

Pero con tu labios en mi hombro

Tu mano entre mi piernas

Vuelvo a nacer como la girasol

Que siempre crece y nunca muere

Porque sólo quiere acariciar

La cálida luz que siente 

Cuando viene el amanecer

Rey

The king of my bliss
With your lips on
My sticky skin you
Take me right to
That center where
The good comes in waves
I'll feed you what you want
If you keep the fire

My sun and the moon
Already belong to the
King of the universe you

There are parts that are still
So raw and bleeding the smell
Is just too much for anyone
The pungent aroma of frailty
Acts like a punch in the throat of
My silly adoration and the core
Of what I wished for every single time
I just wanted the simple and happy story
Holding on to that with both hands
Left me with nothing but a shady soul
every vein is empty, it's dead
There's nothing but empty breaths and
A stale memory.

Loba

Out of something too decayed 

Blackened, crumbling

In that aged and splintering silence

The night shined her skies

With their exploding constants

Now there's a light

That showcases this greed

An addiction that fuels itself

In the darkest hours 

It's where I lay in this 

Where I only take and take 

Because it's illuminated and I 

Grew so tired with the cold 

in the small space of your bed
with your legs hanging over
i lay entwined, into your roots
nothing has to be said because
the way we fit into each other
goes to the very center where
no one else exists, not even us
only these words and the devotion

you have created in me
the woman i never was
one that is soft and i let
my blood boil and spill over
only for you
i have relinquished the guise of
being one and with no one
i'll be small for you so you can take
and feed from this forever

Gorgeous

and you're like a magnet because
I go to you without a thought
It's not me that walks with you
In the night when everything is silent
It's whatever exists inside of me
& wants to burn

When the only loud thing is
The pull between us, the way I want
To just fall into you and I don't care
Because good things feel right
And bad ones mean nothing

You're the soul I needed
Like the right song that
Cuts right into you and
I remember what I've been missing
You remember you're alright

You brought the fire back
& I feel everything again
The way the smell of you sticks
Cigarettes and leather
I drive away but it lingers
 
Now we are a grenade
too warm and it feels good
One day it will ignite
And everything around me 
Will burn

Every part of me wants to feel
Every part of you
I want to reach up and have you
In my face, so every word is clear
And as everything becomes nothing
We remain