A good day.

The holidays have returned
& you have to get crafty without a car :]

A study of sorts.

There are moments in life when I have looked around, and there always seemed to be someone next to me. And then ahead and behind, I could see people standing as well. As time passes and I grow, these persons seem to become smaller. The center of human reality, the ego, is always present. And when one of those rare, yet staggering, moments of weakness crept in, I looked around and hoped to find a body that could hold me up. The real test, I have discovered, is when there is nothing but too much empty space. Looking around is fruitless because the only one who can push me forward is myself and then I must rely only on inner strength and any sense of ferocity that once was.

Truly being alone is the most strengthening experience, in the metaphysical sense, that one can endure. Complete loneliness can be absolutely uncomfortable, because in this state everything is illuminated and this stark light is not always flattering. Without the luxury of company and the crutch of stale conversation, you are forced to hear buried thoughts and confront the unfortunate aspects of current existence. There are several stages that must be exhausted in order to reach the true height of self-realization. The first step is the hardest, and the longest. This first step, a sort of depression, is the most critical and also the one that will yield the strength that is necessary during this journey.

The depression can vary in degree and length of time. It stems from a great feeling of inadequacy and the complete dissipation of the blissful sense of wellbeing that comes from ignorance. The key is staying afloat during this period and keeping the eyes open to begin to absorb some of the discovery that will begin to unfold. Several aspects of this discovery may cause grief, but others will bring a true sense of gratitude. Soon, the conscience will begin to separate the good from the bad. At this juncture, the depression will cease and the self will begin to strengthen.

The “bad” list will be analyzed but from a sort of objective distance, and one by one these situations will be re-assessed or erased altogether. The “good” list in the conscience will be the strongest and will also become the center of a newfound reality. This center will begin to govern the decisions the subconscious makes. Several of these items will become more profound and all of one’s devotion will be invested in the parts of biggest importance. There are three keys aspects at the top of the list: The Self, The Endeavors of the Self, and Family/True Friendships.

Even when self-realization has been met, it is not static. The three main categories of existence will be constantly changing and evolving. The constant growth of such things is the only way that they will flourish and make at least the smallest of positive contributions to our human progress. Above all, the self will gain the most valuable and altering of all realizations: Each and every sentient being exists in a selfish and private universe. We must rely on ourselves and stand firmly on our own perseverance in order to truly be and not only breathe for the sake of doing so. Those who are lucky enough to achieve this are the most misunderstood, the most questioned, the most free.

Nuclear

because it comes so suddenly
like a violent bomb, dropping
on all certainty and contentment
destroying the faint thread that
holds together any diluted form
of what could pass as happiness
(if one believes in such a thing)
but this distaster crept up in
a way that forces an acute
and painfully clear perspective of
every other facet of the daily routine
cement rocks are building and
any soft spots are crushed, or
buried underneath the heavy
shock of such a fatal imperfection
in the petty way that things come
and then disappear-
the sky becomes dark and the sadness
is loud, it rings in my ears and
so i cannot ignore it and as
i lay amongst the rubble, in pieces
desperately trying to grip
with weak arms anything
that even vaguely resembles
peace before war,
life within this death.

The fragility of life and the permanence of death are the most perverse actions toward the entire concept of human emotion.

I am going to lose one of the sweetest parts of my life today.

29

as the bus, noisily, ambles on
i contemplate purpose, victory
and together we go
greedy and prepared to discover
a new corner on this
perfectly round world
its immensity, rough
music blasts and my mind
it floats- high, high, high
the air is sweet and green
so crisp it burns my nose
our smiles, big and crooked
displayed under double pairs
of eager, squinty eyes
four small windows
senses filtered and elevated
where do we go from here
my sweet boy?
who needs a tomorrow
when one discovers everything

A true victory

We fucking did it.

Well, Obama did. He was able to charm the American people long enough to give him a chance, overcome adversity and skepticism, and rise above the CRAP and fabrications McCain's campaign dealt him. Barack Obama has become quite a celebrity, an icon with more substance than any John F. Kennedy. But, to me this victory transcends a political party, or the man that Obama appears to be. This is a true sign of progress, a significant step toward the reshaping of this country, and a very strong message to the rest of the world that not all of America is full of narrow-minded fucktards and creationists. After the Bush administration's total destruction of the patriotism and financial stability of this country, we need a person that will really step up to the plate and show us the money.
I am very stoked, and for the first time since I became a sentient being, I am fucking proud to be American, regardless of my usual dissent or multi-cultural upbringing. Now, we must hope that Barack Obama follows through, and puts his constant promise of CHANGE into action. He needs to show us he is not just a good public speaker, a crowd pleaser. Though I trust in his apparent intelligence and competence, I do not agree with every word that comes out of his perfect mouth. Always a cynic, I do not believe he is The Anointed One. His economic strategy needs some tweaking and he needs to let his claws show from time to time. The next President knew he would be walking into a colossal mess, and our expectations must be realistic. A radical change will not come about overnight, but now can finally begin to move forward.

In the meantime, we do not want a war in Afghanistan. Oh, and I would like to be able to take out a college loan next semester.