Peut-etre...

Let's hope we stay connected
I want to fight for the longevity
of the warmth I feel when you are in
this tiny atmosphere
where the only thing that matters is
that you are close enough
close in such as way that
there is nothing between us except
the oxygen your hungry kisses breathe into me
as we do that thing we like to do
and keep this self-proclaimed cynic
secretly thinking... "perhaps."

Radiohead- Faust Arp

Wakey, wakey, rise and shine
It's on again, off again, on again
Watch me fall like
Dominoes in pretty patterns
Fingers in the blackbird pie
I'm tingling, tingling, tingling
It's what you feel now
What you ought to, what you ought to
Reasonable and sensible
Dead from the neck up
Because I'm stuffed, stuffed, stuffed
We thought you had it in you
But not, but not, but not
For no real reason.

I love you but enough is enough.

Tuff

A wise friend of mine gave me some very simple advice. He told me that if I remember that anything can happen, and anything can change, everything will be so much easier to soak in, nothing will come as a weakening shock. This is so true. And once I applied this perspective to different aspects of my life, I realized just how simple and important this is. I am at a point where I have so much going for me, and in turn, so much to give. I am not scared of anything, and I am prepared for everything.
I have a different sort of confidence, perhaps a more mature self-righteousness. I suppose it stems from the fact that I know I am a good person, but a person with substance because I want to be someone great. I have become allergic to mediocrity. I really value the people in my life who are close to me, and if they decide to turn their backs, I will shrug it off because I know I could have given that person a lot, but he/she chose to go. There is no turning back.

Again I say it: we are the lucky ones.

She fell

As you fall asleep next to me

The only sound is that of your breath

As it becomes heavier

I am captivated by the gentle silhouette of your face

In the dark, your hand is still in mine, as you dream

The realization is sudden and clear

My cowardly heart has gained strength

From your touch, your warmth

And I am ready to fall, to fall

Up or down, or wherever it is one goes

When she decides to let herself

Jump without a parachute, without that promise

It is far too late to hope you will catch me

But maybe,

Maybe you will.

Lucky, lucky, lucky.

A beach day in January! As it snows in other parts of the country... I enjoyed a lovely Saturday with sunshine, a book, a nice hike up the cliffs, and good company. Jealous?

Funny...

I will keep this brief...

It just does not cease to amaze me how the people I least expect are always the ones that come through, the ones that surprise me...

The ones that are worth it :)

They lied!

Cynism is my muse. What a shame it would be to wholly believe in that crap.

Claire de Lune

The moon is my only company
as I go outside at night and take long walks
alone with my music, and the constant melody of
leaves cracking under my feet
The moon is my confidant
She knows of my dreams, we have discussed
my biggest fears and my strongest weakness
The moon knows all about how my adoration grows
as I write the script of our romance in my head
pretending it is somehow relative to our reality
The moon is so much gentler than the harsh sun
which casts a blinding glow on the soft spots
while the moon gently illuminates them
Making even the darkness seem so beautiful
The magnificent moon is my muse
and I dedicate these simple words to her
Because she does not have a mouth
so she can never repeat this
to an envious ear who will notice how great she is
and steal her away from me.

Before there were blogs.

I found my old poetry books. After reading them, I feel such a relief. I am relieved because I still want the same things, I still write, read. But now I am older, now I am actually on the path that I must take to attain my goals. Of course, so many of them ooze teenage angst and silly rebellion. I wrote of punk music and being "different" and of two of my favorite people. Those two people are still very dear to me, and I trust them more than some people I see/talk to every day. We live in different worlds, but we still remain close, we still stand for the same things, share similar ideals. We would make our 14 year old, converse wearing former selves proud! :)

One of my journal entries, written in 2000, speaks of how I want to move to a new city, get an apartment, take long walks, write, perhaps meet a boy who can be my partner in this discovery, write some more. The title of that entry? "Eight years from now..."

Tree Feeling

Written 8/25/00

I met a lady who lived in a tree,
I went to visit her one day,
She let me in,
and we had tea,
she asked me if the world is healthy again.
I said I didn't know what she meant,
She gently patted my hand,
"It's alright," she said...
"There is room for two in here."

Happenstance

I am not a very religious person, nor have I ever been. Certain forms of spirituality can be good and healthy, but I have yet to find those. What is very peculiar, though, is how life has a way of reminding me how small I am, and that I really do not control every aspect of my fate. It is important to have goals and strive to attain them, try to be a good person (or karma will kick you in the ass), and so on and so forth. But then there are moments where I am placed in a situations I did not plan, or am confronted with something I never expected. That is when I realize life has a funny way of pointing me in the right direction, and it also enjoys giving me firm reminders of what is in store for me. Most of the time I feel that I am in the driver's seat and have the power to do everything my way.

But then sometimes I feel I am just a chess piece in someone else's game.

La Valse des Monstres

Yann Tiersen's music is one of my favorite things in the entire world. Such talent is unequaled, unbelievably perfect music.

:)

I came across the blog of a dude.

This dude's blog speaks of his wife and kid, nothing too fantastic, just their daily shenanigans. And in the most beautiful (and humorous) way, without sounding cheesy or cliche, he expresses his love and devotion for them. It made me smile as I read, because it reminded me good things DO happen.
We get so cynical, so caught up in all the negative things. Lies, boredom, divorce, heart break. The truth is, we all want to find happiness. And it still exists! It is not extinct, we just look for it in the wrong places.

Composition

I believe it was Oscar Wilde that said, and I do not quote, that an artist, in order to be an artist, does not perceive things as they really are. How true this is.

I do not consider myself an artist yet. I need to create something so great, it must be influential. But, I do have the perception area down in the most artistic sense. I see things as I would like them to be. I am capable of writing a verse, or a poem, or an essay, about something I have never felt. My talent does not lie in my ability to convey my emotions in an artistic way.

My talent lies in my ability to create them.

Control

(I wrote this a while ago. This is how it felt. Now I can breathe.)

And what is in control?

What is love if it does not consume you,

envelope you, constrict you in a such a way

that not even time, nor space,

nor another person can separate

me from you so I can breathe?

Bonjour

Every morning that we love
the smell of coffee beans
and San Diego rising
you begin your day
and I start mine
apart but very close
and do not seem to realize
why you are a part of me
that electricity that hung in the air
wasn't strong enough to
influence the simplicity that is you
certain that you do not see
that the joining of you to me
makes you someone different today
because no one else carries my
thoughts around as he goes about
his day to day routine.

Tom Tykwer

naked juice.

so now that you are not within my reach
i can remind my impulsive mind
that you absolutely cannot melt me
that i must pretend that those gentle kisses on my neck
are only to combat loneliness
most likely your firm grip on my waist
is only about power...
your silent stare as i look away
is simply curiosity
but i sure as hell know
this feeling is much too familiar
as i try not to concentrate on that pretty face of yours
it is just so terribly obvious
i am standing completely still.

LOUD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is something I must say to you
but perhaps it would be better for me to not let you know at all
Maybe just write it down and let that serve as a release and quickly after crumple this up and throw it away
Though that would not be enough for me to forget it
You see life has a funny way of showing us where to go,
No matter how strong I am,
or how I try to look the other way
something here is far stronger than I (and a lot more stubborn, too)
I am only brave enough when I have the cushion that your weakness provides
Am I the only one melting here?

This is not new to me, I've been around love before
But there is something strange here,
I have the strongest urge to grab you,
One hand on either side of that face of yours,
and say something,
say something so LOUDLY,
and perhaps the words will sink in,
because I feel as if though
You are so unaware!
I can give you everything,
I've never given away everything before
To anyone, such a mistake that would have been
So now what?
I simply cannot fall alone,
if you do not catch me
that would be the end,
because I have little hope in things I cannot touch
At some point, in various moments,
I was so full of you, but now it is just not enough,
I have so much, so much that it cannot go forward like this
Because there is just too much in me
and so little in you.

I almost prefer to leave you now, because that way
the memories I hold will be like something incomplete
and the end will hold so much possibility
I am floating and you just walk along
There is a chance that good-bye would leave me with this for a very long time
But we are just stretching this out, a simple thread does not suffice
I want everything and if I do not find it in you,
that means it is just waiting for me in another place.

Maybe another day...

I left him and then came spring. The seasons are so symbolic! And since then, I found myself again. I fell out of love with all of that, and fell in love once again with all that makes me happy. I stand alone with my words, my music, my books, my art. I needed nothing but these things and with them I regained strength and I can feel my energy attracting others who are are also enamored with all that we create. And now that I have both feet planted firmly (or perhaps not so firmly) on this ground I am ready to let someone in. I want to share all this beauty that I have discovered!
There is so much here and I am so confident in this. But I am so reserved, so shut down. Maybe I should wait a little longer, and continue keeping all of this to myself.

Untitled

I am especially fond of the cold, gloomy mornings. As I walk to the building where I work in downtown, usually listening to Yann Tiersen on my iPod, I feel a little bit of Europe in San Diego. Certain buildings, the faint smell of coffee and cigarettes in the air, and people wearing scarves and warm coats.

These are almost always the better days.

Schism...

I wish I could brake my thoughts. I guess once in a while something good comes of my over-active brain, but most of the time it is just a royal pain in the ass. Especially when "mind space" is consumed by so much useless analyzing, making things far more abstract than they actually are. And even worse, I contemplate people who I really shouldn't be thinking about at all.

2 0 0 8

So, back to reality.

The holidays are officially over. It is quite a relief in some ways, although Christmas was really lovely. I have a lot to look forward to this year, and I want to really make things happen. The new semester begins on the 28th of this month, and I will be quite busy. I am very happy with my grades from last semester. I did very well, considering I maintained a highly active social life and worked every day of the week. This year I want to focus more on my studies, and less on stupid distractions. I am looking forward to (hopefully) moving to San Francisco this summer and begin attending school there in the fall. Great time of the year to start a new part of my life. Pretty metaphoric... no?

Don't really feel like writing anymore. :) More on this later.