i knew i was dying
my eyes were closed and
i could feel the biggest smile
coming over my gray and empty
face.

every inch of my body
was erupting with waves of
euphoria and overwhelming
joy.

nothing hurt, the pain was indicating
that i was leaving this place
forever. to my own personal nirvana
my own dream state.

alone and dead but happy.
death felt better than breathing.
i was dead and finally
alive.

no one has ever asked me for my words
only my company, my body, my face
only you. only you wanted everything.

how many words does it take to say we are fucked?
an eternity in 210 days. but then
each day it lives inside of me, so confused
this dismal and tainted love still thinks
it is alive and well and breathing
sucking everything out of me because
it relentlessly exists.

all mine.

my ribs are aching from the weight of
this bloody pulp, this massacre
it used to be my heart, now desecrated

i smile only because
how can one live with
this dark pit? falling and falling
into a space of nothingness
in every direction but still
i get up and pretend to be human
you fake it long enough that
you forget if there is any difference
between the skeleton and the flesh.

i envy everything that is touching you right now.

how many lives have i loved you?
i feel myself plunging into miles of
black sea, searching, to peel away this layer
this lifetime where you did not come first
you came after to remind me that
our souls never forget, they exist even
when we are dead and waiting to
come back as tulips or a moth
and like you always have, again and again
you will find me, in every form, every existence
you will find me just to remind me
that we persevere through the pain of goodbye
until we come back once more
as humans or goats or fog or fire 

(excerpt from an essay.)

It was just another typical night
in the same neighborhood we had frequented
with other people and different bodies
our lives an undeniable parallel, one soul
you barely drank anything and I pretended
that my thoughts were not already slower and blurry
I wanted to touch your hair, your hands
In that dim red light I decided to make you love me, come in

We stood by my car and wrapped our arms around each other
the first time of one million, a tiny second of hundreds of hours
You smelled like cigarettes, leather, masculinity, my passion
For an instant I felt my hips grind into yours, your mouth on my neck

But you were already walking away, a perfectly calculated dark shadow
The distance greater with each step you took but only ending the schism
We were no longer going to live mirrored lives, never intersecting
The unexplained magnetic force was far wiser and less careful than us
Our grenades had dropped and we would have to fight forever
For the other half of our being, finally present, unable to be let go again.

You are an island of me
Your earth is the only solidity
The only element beneath my feet
Your island is my universe
The celestial paradise where
We are two exploding stars
The only burning comets
Slaves to time that is
Bleak and never ending